Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*