Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.