For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
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interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I can’t deal with men any longer
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
March 16
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose