I can’t deal with men any longer
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Bit chilly again tonight.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
yea so i messed up lol
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered