My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Yes
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.