Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swipes right on my hand mirror

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

[shakes fist at other fist]