I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.