Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
You Might Also Like
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)