Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
LOL
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
they finally got him. they got macavity
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Aaaa…CHOO!
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.