Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I love art.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
How do you like your Corgi?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.