I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
We’ve all been there
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.