Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
You Might Also Like
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.