Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Bros before Ohioes
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.