“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”