[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Battery falling down a hole
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.