me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!