“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
You Might Also Like
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
guilty
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit