Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
You Might Also Like
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’m a bad influence on myself.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints