Can I donate fat instead of blood?
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses