Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun