Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*