Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.