This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
The Birdles
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?