My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
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But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.