RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
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“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist