held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley