My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Name another movie that mislead you?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Just a reminder, folks:
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit