So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.