changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.