as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I’m giving up ice.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it