My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
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cyclists
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
are they though??
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
thanksgiving in nutshell
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied