I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
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Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
wow he looks just like him
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring