I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito