HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.