HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Natural selection at its finest