HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
God: also you have eight eyes.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?
P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.