One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!