A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10