I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
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Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*