Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You Might Also Like
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.