Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
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Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’