Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
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ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!