Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
😩😩😩
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.