Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Ain’t no way

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?