Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Happy thanksgiving
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.