Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me driving through Toronto
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed