Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.