Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?