I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I