I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*