If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I love snow
– People who never shovel
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.