*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.