“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
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I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
still the best tweet of the year by far
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing