Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

the red hot silly peppers

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”