[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
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Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Cinematography is my passion
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
i- i did not expect this