I can’t stop watching this.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
#math
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩